King of the Jungle

If a man wished enough to be a lion, could he do so? Well not a real lion, any idiot knows that can't happen. But in spirit. Well, during the turn of the 22nd century, any idiot was proven right when a method was invented to turn men into lions. It turns out that is man's greatest dream.

So all these idiots get real happy and pay their life savings to get turned into a lion. What would they need it for? Turns out you just look like a lion, but you're still any idiot on the inside, where I'm told lies things such as your soul and your other human components. It only takes a person being a different thing on the inside for everyone to tell them their dream is wrong and they wasted all their money on an insane and pointless procedure. At least cancer has been cured.

Now we have hordes of lions walking around. Some of them on their back legs, like a human, or a pelican. Some of them even wear clothes and style their manes. Some of them are women. But the procedure was only for males so they've become transgender lions, which is a real problem now. It has something to do about the insides being female and you know how people hate when the inside and outside are all mixed up. My mechanic is a lion. He can barely hold the tools with his big, stupid paws, but I think the owner pities him. We all do. Even the Eskimos.

There is a scourge of homeless lions. They're not good people like regular bums, though. They walk around on all fours, hunchbacked, still not used to being in the body of a natural predator. They roam the streets like a pack of wild dogs, just less organized, and they accost people at random. They'll gallop down to a business man in a suit who managed to avoid throwing his whole life away on animal-based reconstructive surgery and they'll hiss and snap at him clumsily with their jaws. They'll jump up on him and say things like "spare some change?" or "beware the night" or other cryptic bum/lion hybrid lingo. The plucky business man will look down on them in pity and drop a rawhide bone from his briefcase. Nobody knows what's going on anymore.

If there is a God, he should have banned this type of thing. I know nobody likes their leaders to ban their favorite stuff but this is getting ridiculous. My Uncle told me the other day he adopted a lion. Not a real, animal lion, there aren't any left. What type of God lets a person turn themselves into a pet? He's probably half antelope or something. Gods are even more foolish than humans.